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daredevil8 33, Male, Illinois, USA - 22 entries

Mar 2007
8:08 AM CDT

true how true espewscially with my folks always exp[ecting stuff of me

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sublettt30 70, Female, Texas, USA - 66 entries

Mar 2007
8:04 PM EDT

It has been a good day. I am starting to write some travel articles and I hope they will generate some income for me.

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uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Mar 2007
7:34 AM EDT

i dont know what it is with me but i feel alone and scared. my parents are giving me a hard time for not wanting to go to join a gym or something. i havent even been home for 24 hours and theyre already giving me so much shit. i cant tkake it and my head feels like it wants to explode. i spent most of this morning having coffee and cigarettes outsie in the subzero temperature because i wanted to numb myself- literally -from thinking and worrying and now all this thinkin and worrying is getting to me. so i eventually came back and huddled my stuffed animal by the corner of the wall looking at an art book staring at a picture of monterey bay. i felt like i was going to pass out. i havent eaten yet today and i dont really feel like eating anything. im too emotionally stressed out. its just so hard for me to get up and do things and when people force me to just do it i feel like i want to kill myself. i just need help and i need it now. and help isnt coming. i think i should ask my parents for the psychologists number but then again they probably wont give it to me because they, as it has been for the past several years, want me to try other alternatives to helping myself. obviously exercise alone isnt going to get rid of my problems. along with acupuncture. along with herb medicine. along with church. along with books i cant even finish. along with trying new things. going new places. my inner devil will always catch up with me wherever i go and i am simply sick of it. what good has self medication done me so far?? i'm halfway in the process of getting lung cancer, i pushed away all the friends i ever had, i cant wake up in the morning without wanting to scream and cry. i've become so self centered that i cant even help those around me who need it (my brother who is now gone), i quit school because i couldnt think straight or function, i have dug myself so deep down this hole and i cant get myself to let alone even stand up or try to get a shovel to dig myself out just with exercise. why are they so blind? why dont they understand me? they dont. not to the least bit. and i am alone. alone in this world. alone in my thoughts. the mind can be a lonely place. i can feel the sting in my eyes because if i dont sit down and write/type it out i cant think in cohesive phrases. i will just get lot and frustrated even more than i already am and its just hell all over again. i cant take it. i cant take it. i cant take it. my head feels like it wants to explode. i am drowning in a pool of hopelessness and nobody around me knows how to swim. they all just sit on the sidelines and see me frolic and flail just as i have for the past 6 years and do absolutely nothing about it. some try, and they end up giving up because i am hopeless. i cant even stand up most of the time, how can thye expect me to walk? or let alone even run? the world i live in is a fast faced pace and everything is a fucking race. a fucking marathon. and i am a cripple (im speaking metaphorically but you get my point...or do you???) i am just tripping and falling and i cant get up. i need help. and my parents aren't a nurturing environment for the problems that i have. i dont even understand most of why i am the way i am. maybe i should just shut up and deal and get by day to day without thinking. thats what i did for the first half of last semester. but the inner devil caught up with me. it made me do stupid things. it made my suppressed bad thoughts 10 million times louder and now i can't tell whats real and whats not. i mean this emotionally and mentally. i can still decipher the real world, im not crazy just yet, but i get so lost in my own thoughts and i cant run away from me because i will always catch up. maybe im just insecure. maybe im just a loser. mayube im just a failure. maybe i dont deserve anything in this world. maybe i should just shut up. but i cant. the only way i can get myself to shut up is if i kill myself but that would be a last resort. i am so stupid. nothing in my life ive done is worth honoring. ive made some terrible mistakes and i never cease to embarass myself when i try to fit in or open up to others. i am thoroughly ashamed of my existence. and i am not worthy of being worried about by others...which i am not.. only my parents care about me and they dont know how to help me. i dont really have any real friends. only the people that i left behind in my old hometown and back at college that i cease to keep contact with anymore. why? because there is nothing to talk about. i am a boring person. i cease to bring forth anything to the table. i wish to change myself but i somehow cant because i lack the will and incentive. perhaps i do ahve incentive but i dont know who i am anymore if i ever did in the first place and lots of what i say or think or do repeats itself and gets worse every time i do it. god. i cant take it. i just want to be happy and have a normal worry free life. i know this isnt achieveable because life istn easy and i am too weak to do anything right...or do anything at all. so i will just sit here and rant on the computer to no one but myself and it really isnt doing much.

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1 comment(s) - 04:52 PM - 05/10/2008

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sweetcakes100 51, Female, California, USA - 26 entries

Mar 2007
7:10 AM EDT

Hello everyone, I would like to know why the court system is only giving me 4hours of visitation rights? I am a victim of domestic violence and not the batter. I feel really upset with the system and they are only giving me 4hours of seeing my own children I think that the system is wrong. What do you think?

Tags: domestic abuse, drug abuse, family court system, parenting

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1 comment(s) - 11:18 AM - 12/28/2010

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charlax 71, Male, Arizona, USA - 744 entries

Mar 2007
3:50 AM MST

the mind of GOD is Christ and forgivenness

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daredevil8 33, Male, Illinois, USA - 22 entries

Mar 2007
4:57 AM CDT

ah this reminds me of last year with the whole alex jaclyn thing long story

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earthangel 71, Male, Canada - 11 entries

Mar 2007
1:54 PM PST

I was reminded today that maybe I need to stop being bothered by others remarks about homosexuality and thier own Christian beliefs. I forgot the lessons I teach over the years and that is stay in your own heart center and there you will find the truth of who you are. No matter what we do or say to the so called thumpers of bibles we will not move them in any way and they will still feel they are the only ones going to heaven. So I say this and that is I AM who I am and feel thosewho wish to condemn others for who they are or what they are are the ones who really need to take a serious l;ook at themselves and know that they are not God nor shall they ever be and just to know that no matter what I will meet everyone in the same kingdom and that is the Kingdom of Heaven and that is where GOD will decide who is and isn't right. Blessings to all and may we be loved for who we are.

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felix31794 31, Male, Georgia, USA - First entry!

Mar 2007
5:27 AM EDT

Dear journal today is my Birthday nobody have told me happy birthday except two of my friends on myspace and soundclick.com reprsentative which is a music downloading site i know this is going to be a good birthday maybe the best all i got to do is leave it in God hands. I'm going to have a good birthday in Jesus name.

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6 comment(s) - 08:00 PM - 05/28/2007

uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Mar 2007
5:15 AM EDT

so my mother is giving me the silent treatment because i refused to go to jazzercize this morning. im sorry, but i hate jazzercize and the thought of having to work out makes me shudder. its in a bright purple room with bright pink flowers hanging from the ceiling as we bust it to the latest shit you would hear on MTV. not the place for me..at all.

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smb 50, Female, Wyoming, USA - 129 entries

Mar 2007
1:29 PM MST

Today was CN's wrestling match! He only had to wrestle 2 guys and won both, therefore winning his class and a cheesy trophy! He's amazing! Powerlifting, wrestling, MR Stong Man, amazing lover! WOW, I gotta keep telling myself how blessed I am to have found him! The boys thought the wrestling was cool and J really wants to do it~ THen we took the boys to a parking lot and let them ride their bikes. They are getting pretty good but kind of don't know how to brake and steer and petal all at the same time and when they need to. J ran into my car. We got to see my mom! We got a babysitter and CN and I went out to dinner (Roma's in Spearfish). Romantic but very rich food! Too rich for me!~ Had another great weekend. Still CN and I are getting along pretty good. I am sharing more feelings with him and starting to try to "let go"

Even though I still miss Donnie it seems like less and less! Somedays I am starting to get mad at him again! I thought I was over that part of the grief process but I guess not!

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